Parts: 1 - 6
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~Part: 1~ The Arrival
Alexander LaVelle Harris stopped briefly at the door to Giles' condo. He wasn't sure what exactly he was going to say once he went inside. He figured he'd just take it as it came. So much had happened in the past few weeks. More than he could even comprehend, and it was him it had happened to.
It was time for him to follow Willow's lead and do as she had suggested. It was time for him to go. Long past time.
"Okay, Harris. Just go in there and just tell them. Its not like they'll try and stop me, right?" He asked himself quietly and then shook his head when he realized he was talking to himself.
He lifted his hand up to knock but froze just before his knuckles hit the door. He heard voices inside and paused to listen.
"Something weird happened, Buffy. It was right after Willow left. He sort of just… just shut off." Anya’s voice was pleading.
Xander stepped closer so he could hear better.
"I'm sure he's fine, Anya." Giles, the voice of reason as always.
"He won't talk to me anymore!" Anya continued. "And he makes excuses not to see me."
"You know it ain't polite to eavesdrop." An all-too-familiar British accent came from behind him.
Without so much as a warning, Spike felt his body being pushed backwards and heard the crunch of bones as he was slammed into a tree. He cautiously looked at the mortal, who was now standing in front of him with a slightly apologetic look on his face.
"I've warned you about that, Spike." Xander held out a hand to help the vampire up.
Spike tried to look irritated, but it was ruined by the mischievous glint to his eyes. "So, you're finally doing it, huh?"
Xander turned back to Giles front door and was about to step forward when he thought better of it. He smiled sadly and then shook his head. "Tell them I said so long, will ya, Blondie?" He grinned at Spike and stepped forward, "And this." He motioned between Spike and himself, "Stays between us."
Spike grinned as he watched the mortal walk away. "Peaches is gonna have his hands full with that one."
~~~*~~~
Cordelia Chase hung up the phone and stared at it for several long minutes before turning her attention back to her desk, and the files she was trying to organize. After ten minutes she turned to look up the long winding staircase of the old Hotel Angel had insisted on buying for them to work out of.
He had history with the Hotel and after they had ridded it of a demon, which had haunted it for the better part of a century, Angel had decided it would be the ideal base of operations for Angel Investigations. //Ideal my ass!// Cordelia thought, although she had to admit that getting him out of her apartment had been a definite plus.
"Hey. Where's Angel?"
Cordelia looked up startled. "Hey, Gunn. He's upstairs."
Charles Gunn turned his head to the same staircase, which had occupied Cordelia's attention for the past few minutes. "What's wrong?" He asked as he turned to face his self-appointed protector.
"Nothing." Cordelia shook her concerns off for a few moments. She'd have time enough to deal with all of that when Angel resurfaced. "What do you need, or did you just come here for my sparking personality?"
Gunn rolled his eyes but couldn't deny, to himself at least, that that was part of the reason he had come. "I need some help."
"What kind of help?" Cordelia asked as she stepped away from the computer.
"We've had some people and things come up missing recently." Gunn told her a little hesitantly.
"People? And things? What sort of things?" Cordelia asked with the crinkle of her brow.
"Parts." Gunn didn't really want to elaborate but he had no delusions that the seer would force him to.
"Parts?" Cordelia asked with confusion. "Parts of what?"
Gunn remained silent for a moment then sighed when she continued to stare at him, expecting an answer. "Of people."
Cordelia scrunched up her nose in distaste. "Eww."
Gunn couldn't help but laugh. She looked kind of cute that way.
"And you think this is a demon because?" Cordelia asked after a moment, regaining some semblance of professionalism, although Gunn wasn't a client, but for some reason she hated to come off like a whiny child in front of him.
Gunn groaned. Her constant questions could really grate on a guys nerves. Either that or intrigue him beyond his ability to tell whether that was a good thing or not. "There were some odd things left behind."
Cordelia nodded, reading between the lines. "Well let's go check it out." She grabbed her jacket and started heading for the door when she stopped mid-stride, remembering something. "Oh wait. I'll be right back."
Gunn watched as she disappeared up the stairs and wondered why it was he had thought he needed her help?
~~~*~~~
Cordelia hesitated in front of the door to Angel's room and then took a deep breath and knocked.
"Come in."
Cordelia popped her head in to the room and saw her closest friend and boss sitting on his bed, doing what he did best, brooding.
"Hey. I'm gonna go out for a bit, but I wanted to let you know…" She hesitated.
"What is it?" Angel asked as he looked up, sensing Cordelia’s hesitation.
"Um… Xander called."
"And?" Angel asked. "Is something wrong?"
"Not exactly. He said that Willow emailed him. She's with Wes."
Angel's eyebrows raised at this. "Really? How are they?"
Cordelia nodded happily and grinned. "Good. Really good." She frowned again.
"What else?" Angel asked nervously. He didn't like the look on her face.
"Xander's on his way here. He says he's in some trouble and needs your help." Cordelia watched her boss carefully for a reaction. She wasn't disappointed.
Angel stood up. "You said there wasn't any trouble. What's wrong? Is he all right? You didn't have a vision did you?"
"Whoa there, John Wayne," Cordelia said as she smiled slightly to herself. "No, nothing like that. He… uh… needs your help." She repeated.
"Yeah, I heard you the first time."
"No, your help." Cordelia repeated slowly. "Not our help. Not Angel Investigations' help. Your Help." She punctuated the last two words.
Angel sat down heavily on his bed. "Oh."
"Yeah." She paused. Xander was a landmine in the best situations,a dn this didn't seem to be one. "Look, I've got to go. He'll be here in a few hours." She smiled slightly before disappearing out of the door.
Angel watched her leave and then lay back against the mattress. "Great. Can my unlife get any more complicated?"
~~~*~~~
Xander looked out the window of the cab, not sure if he should get out. He knew he was in the right place. The address was correct, and you couldn't mistake this large hotel for anything other than what it was.
He didn't know if he had made the right decision. Nothing had changed since he had finally decided to come here. He hadn't changed, neither had his problem. But coming here, to LA, to him didn't seem like the smartest move.
But what choice did he have?
After paying the cabbie, Xander climbed out of the vehicle and made his way into the hotel. The front door was unlocked and he crept inside, almost afraid to disturb anything.
"Hello?" He called out, but not loudly enough to be heard by anyone outside the lobby.
Unless of course that person was a vampire with above average hearing.
"Xander." Angel stepped out of the shadows. He looked the mortal over carefully and didn't like what he saw. Xander seemed to be nervous, edgy, almost as if he was afraid that them being in the same room together was dangerous. Maybe it was.
"Hey, Deadboy… Angel. Uh… how are you?" Xander stepped further into the room, each second that passed reminding him of a dozen reason's why he should just turn around and leave. He was about to do just that when Angel spoke again.
"Why are you here?" Angel's words came out harsher than he had intended.
Xander took a deep breath and looked up. He had intended to tell him the truth, but the look in Angel's eyes made him rethink things. "This was a bad idea."
Xander turned around and started to walk out the front doors when he felt a hand on his shoulder, keeping him from moving. He had never heard Angel move and the touch startled him.
Angel was caught off guard as the Axe Wesley had left behind flew across the room and embedded itself in the wall above the front desk. Angel stared at it in shock and then turned his questioning eyes to Xander.
Xander shrugged slightly. "I need your help."
~Part: 2~ Before
Angel turned around and walked swiftly to the wall. The axe was embedded rather deeply and it took him a moment to pull it out, even with his vampire strength. He examined it for several long seconds, not entirely certain the axe itself hadn't caused its flight into the wall.
"Sorry." Xander mumbled. And he was, too. Sorry that he had come here. Sorry that he had been forced into this situation. Sorry that he was now faced with dealing with Angel, and most of all, sorry that he had ended up doing the one thing he swore he wouldn't do.
Shaking off his own internal regrets, Xander stood a little straighter and took a cautious step towards the vampire. "Look, this was a…a bad idea. I'll find a room somewhere and leave tomorrow. Forget I even came here." He started to turn around when Angel's voice stopped him.
"I can't do that. You know that."
Xander froze in his spot uncertain what to do now. He was tired and confused and scared. This, whatever this was, was completely new. And not necessarily of the good.
This went beyond vampires and slayers and demon hunting and other things that went bump in the night. This was completely… alien. As in, not of this earth alien, as far as he was concerned.
"I should go." He tried, futilely.
"You should stay." Angel stepped closer, a little more cautious this time. "Besides, we haven't seen each other in… awhile. We need to… talk."
Xander turned his head to look at Angel, who was watching him with unreadable eyes.
"Talk?" His lips quirked slightly. "Is that what they call it here in the big city?"
For a moment Xander thought he saw something reflected in Angel's dark eyes but then it was gone.
"I wouldn't know." Angel replied quietly.
There was a thick silence in the room, neither man willing to break it. Finally after several long seconds Xander turned back towards the door and started walking away.
"Where are you going?" Angel asked with a slight edge to his voice as he realized Xander wasn't even going to say anything.
"To a hotel, to get a room." Xander answered from just inside the door.
"This is a hotel. I have rooms." Angel paused for a second. "Or didn't you notice?"
Xander spun around, detecting the slight humor in the vampire's tone. "Yeah, I did. But… I didn't think you'd want me here… after what happened… before."
Before.
The word seemed to hang between them like this silent, living thing, lurking in the shadows, watching, waiting, not knowing or caring what havoc it created.
Before.
The word brought back memories to both men. Memories, unbidden, unwanted.
Memories that belonged in that place in your mind where you stick all of the things you regret doing. Except that they didn't. Regret was a funny thing.
Angel pulled open a drawer and fished out a key chain, breaking the silence. Xander hadn't even heard him move, but that wasn't unusual. Stealth was Angel's middle name.
Angel removed a single key off of the key ring and walked back to Xander, holding it out. "You'll have to stay on the third floor. It's not far from my room, but we're still in the process of remodeling, so it'll have to do."
Xander stepped forward and took the key. "Thanks." He followed Angel up the stairs when the rest of Angel's words repeated inside his head. "How far is not far?"
Angel froze in is trek up the steps. "Next door."
Xander shook his head. "That's not a good idea." He turned away from the stairs, walking back down. "I'll find someplace else to stay."
He hadn't gotten more than a couple of feet when Angel grabbed his wrist, halting any further movement. Before either could comment the sound of something shaking nearby drew their attention.
Some paintings hanging on the wall nearest the staircase started to shake. Xander looked down to where Angel's cool hand gripped his wrist and then back up at the wall just in time to see the center painting fly off and hit the ground. The force with which it landed was enough to split the frame.
“There isn’t anywhere else, Xander, and you know it.“
Xander turned his gaze away from the wall and back to the vampire. "This isn't a good idea." He whispered certain now more than ever that he was right. Coming here had been a mistake.
"No, this is the only idea." Angel's voice was equally soft. He moved his eyes from Xander's face to the wall and then back again. "You need help. You need my help."
Xander forced himself not to respond with the remark, 'No, I need you.' And just nodded instead. "I'll stay."
Angel released his grip and visibly relaxed. Stepping aside, the vampire waited for Xander to proceed him up the steps before continuing to the third floor. Once they had reached the top of the stairs, Angel showed him to an empty room and opened the door.
"Most of the rooms are unlocked, and empty. Cordelia has a room on another floor for when we work late, but with Wes gone, it's pretty quiet most of the time." Angel set the key down on an end table and turned towards Xander, hoping he would say something.
The silence between them was deafening, the tension palpable.
The seconds stretched into minutes as Angel watched Xander sit in an empty chair and close his eyes. He waited for the mortal to say something, anything that would break the silence. He wanted him to explain what was going on, to tell him how things in Sunnydale were. Hell, he would even welcome a demand that he leave, so long as there was some sort of communication.
"So…" He began, not sure what to say or where to start.
Xander lifted his head off of the back of the chair and looked at the vampire who hadn't moved from his spot near the door. He raised an eyebrow at the odd expression on Angel's face.
"So?" Xander questioned and then, as if realizing for the first time what Angel was trying to say, he nodded. "You want to know what's happened? Why I'm all of a sudden Mr.-flying-object-guy?"
Angel stepped further into the room and sat down on the bed, which was across from Xander's chair. "I want to know why you left."
He hadn't meant to say that. Really, he hadn't. But the question had been on his mind for countless hours in the past year and now, with Xander just inches away, he couldn't not ask it.
Angel looked into Xander's face, hoping to see some sign that would explain the answer to the question, even if Xander refused to answer it himself. All he saw was this odd look in Xander's eyes, but only for a second. Then it was replaced by this dark look.
The look Angel recognized. From before. It was the look Xander wore when he was trying to block everything out, and pretend none of it mattered. There was a time when the boy wouldn't have bothered to use that look on him, but obviously, that time was gone. Vanquished along with everything else.
Xander sat up and leaned forward so that he was only a few inches from the vampire.
"You left. I didn't." He whispered.
"I left Sunnydale. You left Us." Angel clarified.
Xander leaned back in the chair and sighed. "That's not why I'm here."
Angel heard the weariness in Xander's voice and relented, if only for a little while. "Why are you here? What happened?"
Xander ran a hand through his hair and stared up at the ceiling. "I'm not exactly sure. About a month ago stuff started happening. Weird stuff. At first I thought I was imagining it. Or it was some weird Hellmouthy thing, but then it kept getting stronger, more dangerous, more… real.
Spike told me I should come here. So here I am." He neglected to mention that Willow had also told him to come. But Willow didn't know about the weird occurances and her reasoning was all tied up in that thing he didn't want to discuss.
Angel tried to make sense of the vague information. It was almost a full minute later when he realized what Xander had said. "Spike? What's he got to do with this?"
"Nothing really." Xander smiled ruefully. "We had a sort of accident a few weeks back."
"An accident?" Angel asked carefully.
Xander stood up and began pacing around the room. "He was wandering around Sunnydale, trying to scare people out of their money, or some other insane Spike-like thing. Anyway, I had been out with Anya, but we got in this fight, and she left, so I was walking home alone."
Xander raised his hand to stop whatever Angel was about to say about the dangers of Sunnydale nightlife. "I know, not safe, but the streets were pretty empty after that whole thing with the Initiative and Adam.
"So he comes up behind me and screams, trying to scare me. It works." Xander stopped pacing and turned his dark eyes onto Angel. "It worked really well. The next thing I know, your boy goes flying through the air. He lands on the ground with a loud thump. I thought for sure he broke something, which of course he did." Xander shook his head at the memory.
"It was weird. I took him back to my place, fed him, and patched him up. And the whole time he doesn't say a word. Not a single word. Which for Spike, was odd. I was sort of in a state of shock. Nothing like that had ever happened, and I hoped it never would again."
"But?" Angel asked patiently when he realized Xander had stopped talking. He didn't want to analyze why Xander felt it necessary to feed and tend to Spike. That was something he wasn't even close to wanting to think about much less discuss.
Xander shrugged. "But nothing. It wasn't the last time. I don't even think it was the first time. But it was the first time that anything as large as a person had been moved so far so quickly."
Angel sat in silence for a few moments thinking over everything that had been revealed.
"Why?"
"Why what?" Xander asked tiredly. He really did need some sleep.
"Why Spike? Why then?"
Xander walked back to the chair and flopped down. "Best I can figure, he startled me. It was some sort of reflex action. Although I gotta tell you, I'm not liking the reflex of throwing people around like so much garbage." He quirked his lips slightly. "Although in junior's case, it was appropriate."
Angel smiled at the comment and then frowned as he thought more about what Xander had told him. "What does Giles think? Buffy?"
Xander remained silent.
"You didn't tell them." It was a statement.
"What was I supposed to say, 'oh excuse me, I don't mean to interrupt but useless, non-college-going guy here has weirdness?'" Xander shook his head. "No, the only person I could have told this to was Wills."
"And she's gone." Angel supplied.
"Yeah." Xander sighed and rubbed his eyes.
Angel stood up. "Look, the sun will be up in a few hours, why don't you get some sleep and we'll talk some more tomorrow."
Xander nodded. "Ok."
Angel walked back towards the door but stopped before he reached it. "You'll stay here? At least until we can talk?" His voice was soft, unsure what he was really asking, and unwilling to admit as much.
"Yeah, I'll be here." Xander looked across the room and their eyes locked. "Thanks."
Angel smiled slightly. "You can always count on me. You know that, right?"
Xander stood from the chair and walked slowly to the door. "I do, but… I wasn't sure if you wanted to see me…after…" He trailed off and then sighed deeply, realizing that it was impossible to ignore the past. "You were right. I did leave… us."
Angel closed his eyes as he remembered events not too far in the past that he couldn't recall them with startling clarity. "Why?"
Xander opened his mouth as if to answer the question and then closed it again. Shaking his head, he took a deep breath. "I can't. Not now. Not yet."
Angel nodded his understanding and left the room quietly, shutting the door behind him. Once he had reached his own room he leaned against the door.
"Not yet, but soon." He whispered into the still air, vowing that despite everything else, he would finally learn the truth about what had happened. And why.
~Part: 3~ The Decision
Xander hesitated at the top of the steps, taking a deep breath before walking down them. He knew Angel was down there, although he wasn't certain how he knew that. It was just something that he knew.
When he reached the bottom of the stairs, he found Cordelia working at the computer.
He found the sight kind of funny, but then realized a lot had changed since he had dated her. A lot had changed. More than he knew, or understood.
He looked around the lobby carefully, his eyes searching out the form of his host.
"He's on the phone." Cordelia grinned slightly at Xander's haunted look. "In the back." She motioned towards a closed office.
Xander relaxed slightly and moved towards his ex-girlfriend. "Hey." He said sheepishly.
Cordelia grinned at him again. "Hey yourself. He isn't gonna bite you know." She paused. "Unless you ask him to."
Xander tried to smile and failed miserably. "I know. It's just… weird."
Cordelia nodded, knowing the truth of that more than most. “He‘s missed you.”
“Cor.” Xander didn‘t want to discuss his history with Angel, not with Cordelia. Not with anyone.
"How are you?" Cordelia asked, sensing the need for a change in subject. Dealing with Xander on the best of days was like treading a dangerous line. He had more going on inside his head, than she ever gave him credit for.
"I'm good." Xander answered. He knew it was a lie but it didn't seem to matter in that instant. Maybe it never had.
"You lie." Cordelia smiled slightly as she stood up. "How long are you staying?"
Xander shrugged. "I don't know. I guess that depends on him." He motioned towards the closed door. "I'm going to take a walk. Tell him I'll be back."
Cordelia watched her ex-boyfriend leave and sighed. She didn't know what kind of trouble he was in, but she knew that a lot more was at stake than first appeared. She wanted to run after him and ask him to come back, to talk to her. But she knew that it was too late for that. Too late for them to turn back the clock and too late for her to be the friend she should have been before.
~~~*~~~
Once he had left the hotel and its occupants behind, Xander took a deep breath. He didn't know what he thought he was doing, coming to Los Angeles, asking for help. He didn't know why he had bothered.
It wasn't as if Angel could really help him. As if anyone could. Whatever had happened to him, whatever was still happening couldn't be helped by anyone. Coming here, to Los Angeles, to Angel, could only cause more problems.
Xander wandered around the streets, not knowing where he was going, or even caring that he could be in danger. He knew better than the average citizen what lurked on the streets, even during daylight hours, but safety, at least his own, was seeming less and less important.
He found himself in what looked like an old park. It was pretty run down now. The grass was dead, the benches were rusted, and it was virtually empty and silent, which fit Xander's mood perfectly.
He sat on an old rusted bench, staring at the old cracked sidewalks with overgrown weeds peeking through, the dead grass interspersed on mounds of dirt. He looked around wondering why the place would be so empty.
It seemed like the ideal place for homeless people to camp out. It probably didn't get much in the way of 'normal' visitors, and the police probably avoided it as well. But it still remained empty.
Part of that might have been due to the old warehouses Xander thought he had passed getting there. Old run down warehouses were a favorite spot for vampires. And other evil things.
Evil things.
Xander wondered if he was now considered evil. He didn't feel evil. He hadn't done anything evil, except that time he almost set Spike on fire, but that was an accident.
Really.
He was no closer to finding out what might have happened. Sure he had a pretty good idea. Giles, Willow and himself had cast that spell to summon the power of the first Slayer to help Buffy defeat Adam, and it had worked.
It worked really well. Adam, and the initiative were destroyed, Buffy had her boyfriend back to being normal Joe again, and Giles had found himself something to fill his 'free' hours. He bought the Magic Box, a local magic shop.
Willow had left shortly after the fight with Adam. She was supposed to be spending some 'quality' time with her mother, but that had lasted all of two seconds before Sheila Rosenberg had found something else to do.
In a strange twist of fate, or something similar, Willow had run into none other than Wesley Windham-Pryce. There was an odd relationship, if ever there was one, but Xander couldn't really comment one way or the other. He had no relationships to speak of, and he wasn't really sure he wanted any.
Which brought him back to the problem at hand. Angel.
Things with Angel were… complicated. When the vampire had left Sunnydale, Xander had been relieved. Things had gotten so tense between them, so uncomfortable.
A part of him was glad when he found out Angel was leaving, and it squashed, at least temporarily, the part of him, which still felt raw from the ending of their relationship.
The part that was sorry for everything he had said, and everything he hadn't.
It had taken him a long time to even begin to function normally around his friends, and even then, it was all an act, all surface. He wasn't over Angel, and probably never would be. He tried to go on, to continue with his life, as pitiful as it was. He even started seeing Anya. What a nightmare that turned out to be. Although in all fairness, Anya wasn't interested in much more than sex, and that at least Xander could do without having to think too hard about it.
It was sex. Good sex, but still just sex. It wasn't like sex with Angel, but Xander doubted there was anything on earth like sex with Angel. Besides, thinking about sex with Angel was a decidedly bad thing to do.
So he had moved on, pushed Angel out of his thoughts, made himself forget what had been between them. It had worked, for a time. As long as he was concentrating on something, anything but the truth of his life. The monotonous days that seemed to blend into one another.
Then everything had changed and here he was, back with Angel, needing his help, needing him.
It all came down to decisions.
The decision to get involved with Angel to begin with. The decision to break things off.
The decision not to beg Angel to stay, knowing that it was the best thing for both of them. The decision to help Buffy with her spell, even though he probably wasn't their first choice. The decision to come to Los Angeles, to deal with whatever the Hellmouth had done to him.
And now he had to decide if he was willing to deal with his history with Angel as well.
Was he ready for that? Were either of them?
~~~*~~~
Night found Xander in the same spot on the worn park bench, his thoughts circling each other. He was so lost in his decisions, or lack there of, that the approach of the creatures wasn't noticed until it was too late.
The firm grip of a cold hand pressing down along the back of his neck startled Xander.
He knew the hand belonged to a vampire, and he wasn't even surprised. Wasn't he just wondering about the absence of people in this park only a few hours ago?
Some part of his mind knew that he had a weapon at his disposal. One that he couldn't begin to understand, or use to his advantage. But years living on the Hellmouth, in fear of dying at the hands, or fangs, of vampires caused him to forget the fact that he wasn't as helpless as he had been on numerous occasions.
He froze.
He could feel those cold, dead hands digging into his flesh, bruising his skin, but before he could put up a fight, successful or not, the pressure on his neck ceased. He felt his body thrown to the ground and his head impact with the dried grass. The sounds of a fight from somewhere behind him drew his attention and Xander turned to see Angel plunge the sharp end of a stake into a single vampire.
He had actually only seen one, but there were four separate piles of ashes lying nearby attesting to the fact that the now dusted vampire had not been alone. Xander stood up to face Angel.
"Thanks." Xander said, at a loss for what else to say.
"You shouldn't go wandering around at night like this. You know better." Angel's voice held a hint of something that Xander couldn't quite place.
The tone irritated Xander. "I can take care of myself." Xander hissed as he began to walk away.
Angel followed him and when they were walking side by side he spoke again. "You were doing a great job back there. Of taking care of yourself."
Xander ignored the tone, and continued walking. Several minutes of continued silence passed as they walked down the deserted streets, towards the hotel.
"You know, I was sitting out there, wondering what happened." Xander began.
Angel remained silent, knowing there was more that Xander wanted to say and if he interrupted it was very likely it would never be said.
"And I figured out some things. Not much, but some… things." He paused. "It's all about choices. Choices and decisions. The ones we make, the ones we avoid. And whatever happens next is all about the decisions we make here and now." Xander stopped half a block away from the hotel and looked up at the vampire, waiting.
"And what have you decided?" Angel asked carefully.
"That maybe I was wrong before. Maybe we both were." Xander continued to walk towards the hotel.
It wasn't until they were both safely inside that Angel felt confident enough to speak again. "So what happens now?"
Xander looked around the large, empty hotel room and spoke quietly. "I don't know. Maybe nothing, maybe everything. The only thing I do know is that it's past time we started making some of those decisions together."
"Long past." Angel agreed.
They remained quiet in the eerily silent room before Xander turned, his dark eyes locking onto the vampires. "What do you want to know?"
That was a loaded question and Angel knew it. There was so much he wanted to ask, so much he wanted to know, but despite Xander recent realization, his reason for coming to Los Angeles hadn't changed. No matter what happened between them, Xander still needed help.
"Why don't you start at the beginning." Angel motioned for them to move to the couch in the lobby. "What happened to you?"
Xander sat down and began to speak, honestly for the first time in months.
~Part: 4~ The Explanation
“You know about the Initiative? And Adam?”
“Bits and Pieces. Buffy didn’t say a whole lot when I was there last, but Cordelia talked to Willow a few times before she left.”
Xander nodded, glad he wouldn’t have to explain the whole thing. “Adam was the demony techno version of Frankenstein. Buffy couldn’t beat him on her own. Giles wanted to do a spell… it was supposed to form a circle, and give Buffy the power of the First Slayer.”
Angel nodded, thinking about what a spell like that would entail.
“Giles, Willow and I formed the circle.” Xander said, looking down at the carpet. “Buff did her thing, Adam was destroyed, and everything went back to normal, more or less. That’s when Willow left.”
“Was everything normal then?” Angel asked cautiously. “With you?”
“Yeah, pretty much. I wasn’t sleeping well, but I don’t think that had anything to do with the spell.”
“Why not?” Angel asked, watching Xander and noticing the stiff way he held his body and the exhaustion lined in his face. He had thought that all that was caused by his visit to Los Angeles, but maybe not.
"I haven’t slept well… for awhile." Xander admitted, looking back up at Angel.
Angel wanted to say something, acknowledge what he thought Xander meant by that, what it meant for them, but they couldn’t afford to get side tracked right now. "When did you first notice things were…" Angel trailed off.
"Flying around the room?" Xander offered wryly. "I didn’t at first. There were a few odd occurrences. Things I misplaced appearing, conveniently, when I was thinking about them. Things not where I had thought I’d left them, but nothing flying, at least not where I could see it. Nothing until that thing with Spike… and then the fire. Also with Spike." Xander spoke the last bit quietly, unsure how Angel would take the mention of the neutered vampire.
“Fire? With Spike?” Angel asked, his mind trying to place why Xander would have any contact with Spike, and why these instances set him off, more than his contact with others.
“Yeah. We’d had a…disagreement. He was bitching and moaning about something, said something he shouldn’t have, about something that was none of his business. I turned to lay into him, and he was sitting there, on my couch, lighting up a cigarette, looking at me with that smirk, acting like he knew me, knew what was going on inside my head, and I sort of lost it. The next thing I know, his hand is covered in flames.”
“This was after your other ‘accident’ with Spike?”
“Yeah, a few days afterwards.”
“Why was he at your apartment?” Angel asked, keeping his tone level.
Xander looked up, recognizing the evenness of Angel’s voice. “He was still staying at my place after our run in.”
“Why?” Angel asked, still not understanding. Xander stopped, his eyes darkening. “Not that it’s any of your business, but Spike and I are friends, more or less. When he needs a place to crash, he comes by.”
“You’re not…” Angel couldn’t even bring himself to say it.
“Shagging? No, we’re not. Though I did offer once.” Xander said, feeling he needed to remind Angel they had no claims on each other. When Angel didn’t say anything, Xander continued. “He turned me down. Seems to think you’d be upset.” Xander paused. “Would you?”
Angel didn’t say anything, but their eyes locked and Xander could see the answer there.
“Why?”
“You know why.” Angel finally spoke, his voice rough.
Xander sighed and stood up. “This is so is not the time to go into this, but…” Xander turned away from Angel and walked across the room. “Hell Angel, it’s over now. It was over before it started. It never should have started!”
“Why?” Angel asked, knowing the logical, practical reasons, but knowing that that wasn’t the reasoning Xander was using.
“You and Buffy were all about forever, and your destinies, and this thing you had. Then you weren't you anymore, then you were gone, she was a wreck… then you were back, and it wasn‘t about Buffy and you anymore, it was about you and me. I couldn’t be a part of that…destiny, hiding from my friends on one hand, caught in this huge… existence in the other. I don’t have that kind of life, that kind of future. I’m just…me…Xander, normal guy, without any powerful mojo, or strength, anything Super about me, except…”
“Except now you do.” Angel finished quietly.
“Yeah. Now I do.”
They were silent for a few minutes before Angel stood up and approached Xander quietly. He placed one hand on the young man’s shoulder. “We’ll figure this out, Xan-der.” Angel stumbled on his name before continuing. “Whatever’s happened, we’ll fix it.”
“And if it can’t be fixed?” Xander asked, pretending not to notice Angel’s near slip-up.
“Then we’ll deal with it.”
“Promise?” Xander asked quietly, turning his head slightly to look up at Angel.
“I promise.” Xander moved away from the vampire, feeling nervous at their closeness.
“Thanks.”
“Xander.” Angel waited for Xander to look at him again. “You were never normal anything, and there was always something special about you.” Xander nodded, acknowledging the semi-truth about that statement, but couldn’t bring himself to say anything else.
~~~*~~~
Sighing heavily, Xander rolled over onto his side. The phone was sitting a few inches away on a nightstand. He thought about calling Buffy or Giles, but wasn’t sure he could deal with their questions. Picking up the phone he decided to call his place and check his messages, then maybe he could go from there.
On the third ring, someone picked up the phone. “What?” A familiar British accent answered.
Xander smiled to himself. “Spike, what are you doing there?”
“Pet, how good of you to call. How’s Peaches?”
“Why are you at my place? Do my parents know your there?”
“‘Course not, Pet. Don’t even think they know you’re gone.”
Xander sighed. The vampire was probably right. “Did you tell Buffy and Giles I left?”
“The Bloody slayer didn’t believe me. Watcher thinks I made it up. Like I have nothing bloody better to do than make up stories about you?”
Xander grinned. He enjoyed hearing Spike bitch and moan about his friends; not that he would admit it. “I’ll call them.”
“You do that, pet. How’s the Pouf?”
“Spike.” Xander warned.
“You shagging yet?” Spike continued.
Xander felt the bed beneath him start to shake and took a deep breath to try and calm down.
“Xan, you did tell him, didn’t you?” Spike asked seriously, all teasing gone.
Xander didn’t answer, not knowing exactly what it was the vampire was referring to, and his relationship with Angel, or lack thereof, had always been an off-limits topic of conversation.
“I’ve gotta go. Don’t burn down the house.” He hung up the phone and quickly dialed Giles’ house, hoping the watcher would be asleep or gone and he could leave a message. Luck was apparently on his side, he got the machine.
“G-man, this is Xander. I just wanted to let you know that I left town for awhile. I’ve got some things to take care of. Spike’s staying at my place. Take care of Buffy. I’ll call later.”
Not exactly the kind of message Giles would want, but it would have to do. He didn’t want to explain where he was, or why. When he called Willow and left a message on her voice mail, he was a little more forthcoming.
He told her he was in L.A. and he’d tell her all about it when they talked next. When all his phone calls where made, Xander lay back down on the bed, his fingers gripping the mattress, in an effort to control whatever was happening to him, though he knew it probably wouldn’t help, and went to sleep.
~~~*~~~
Xander opened his eyes. There was a slight stream of sunlight coming in through the crack in the heavy drapes. He turned over and looked at the clock. 12:03; Just after noon. Not that time had any real many whatsoever. He had no job, no existence to speak of, except for bizarre.
Then there was the undead creature of the night in the room next door.
A vampire he had a serious history with. A history that wouldn’t go away, no matter how much he wanted it to.
Sighing heavily, Xander climbed out of bed. He didn’t bother to get dressed and just left his room wearing his crumpled jeans from the day before.
~~~*~~~
“I’m sorry."
Angel blinked blearily, waking up from a sound sleep.
“Excuse me?” He asked stupidly as he peered into the darkened room, his vampire sight trying to compensate.
Xander chuckled as he slipped further into the vampire’s room. It was just after noon, but the heavy drapes in the room made it appear to be only midnight.
“I said, I’m sorry.” Xander sat on the edge of the bed.
“About?” Angel prompted, now fully awake.
Xander sighed. “What happened earlier…what happened in Sunnydale. Pick a topic.”
Angel was silent for so long Xander turned to look at him, though it was too dark to actually see him. Suddenly, the overhead light flicked on. Angel raised an eyebrow.
“Sorry.” Xander said again as the light flicked off.
“Why don’t you stop apologizing?” Angel said quietly as he pulled himself up to lean against the headboard. “Tell me why you really came.”
“You know why.” Xander said wearily.
“I know that you’re in trouble and you’re freaked, and for whatever reason you can’t go to Giles and Buffy, but I also know you, and how things ended between us, and that you wouldn’t be here unless you needed…”
“What? Unless I needed you?” Xander asked softly, interrupting the vampire.
“I didn’t say that.” Angel answered, just as softly.
“No, you didn’t, but it’s true.” Xander sighed. “I know you don’t want apologies or excuses, but I was wrong back in Sunnydale. And you were wrong, just now.”
“About what?”
“Knowing me.”
“Xander, it may have been awhile, but I do know you. I did know you.”
“No, Angel, you didn’t. Not really. I couldn’t… we couldn’t go there.” He turned away. “As long as we didn’t get too close, as long as it wasn’t more than…what it was, I was okay. But the moment it became something else… it had to end.”
“So you ended it.” Angel said softly, beginning to understand for the first time.
“I ended it.” Xander agreed just as softly.
“Does that mean…” Angel asked quietly.
Xander stood up. “Yeah, it does.” He walked quietly to the door. “I do, but…we can’t do this, not now.” He left the room as quietly as he’d come in.
Angel sighed heavily as he leaned back against his headboard.
Maybe not now, but at least he knew that it wasn’t an impossibility.
Xander did love him, even if he couldn’t say the words, it was still true.
~Part: 5~ A Start
Xander stepped out of the bathroom, a towel wrapped around his waist to find Cordelia Chase sitting on his bed, flipping through a heavy book as if it were the latest issue of Cosmo. Things really had changed, hadn’t they?
“Cordy.” Xander cautiously, going over to his duffel bag and pulling out some clothes. It had been a really long time since he’d been on anything resembling friendly terms with the former may queen, and wasn’t sure how he felt about her being in his personal space, regardless of where they space was.
“I brought you some books.” Cordy said, acting as though they had always been friends, always been close. It was only the charge in the atmosphere that told a different story. "Thought you might find these interesting…or possibly useful.”
“Oh?” Xander asked as he pulled a pair of jeans on, his back to Cordy more because he didn’t want to know if she was looking than for modesty sake. When he felt a little less naked he turned around and took a closer look at the books spread out on his bed.
“Telekinesis, a History in Motion’, and ‘The power of your mind.’” He looked up at her and smiled awkwardly. “Thanks.”
Cordelia stood up and moved around the small room, to give Xander some space. “Telekinetic, huh?” She asked softly. “That’s gotta be weird.”
He smiled wryly. “I guess I’m not The Zeppo anymore.”
“Xan,” She began, regret in her voice.
“No, it’s alright, Cor. Really. I said and did some things I’m not proud of.” He admitted quietly.
“Be both did.” Cordelia said softly.
Xander continued as if he hadn’t heard her. “Not just with Willow, and you, but…”
“I know, Xan.”
Xander turned to look at her, his eyes seeming darker than usual. “Do you? Know I mean, about what happened between Angel and me?”
Cordelia shrugged. “I know enough. I know things got complicated, and that he l-“
“Don’t.” Xander pleaded before she could get the word out. He shook his head. “It doesn’t matter now. It’s over.”
“Is it?” Cordelia asked quietly. She didn’t think so, and if *she* could see it, surely Xander wasn’t blind.
“Yes.” Xander said with finality. “I’m here because I have a problem and I need Deadboy’s help. If he can’t help, then I’ll have to look for someone who can.”
Cordelia sighed. She didn’t think it was easy as all that, nor did she believe Xander thought it was either. She’d do what he wanted and drop it, for now.
“Okay.” She nodded once. “I’ve got some work to do downstairs, if you need anything…”
“I know, Cor, and…thanks.”
Cordelia left the room and Xander sat on the bed contemplating everything she had said, and what she hadn’t. Eventually the books drew his attention away from his own personal version of Hell, and to what could quickly become everyone else’s.
~~~*~~~
“Hey.”
Xander looked up from his study of one of the books Cordelia had left for him to see Angel leaning against the doorframe.
“Hi.” Xander stood up. “You need something?” He knew the words were wrong the moment they left his lips but he was wholly unprepared for talking to this particular vampire.
“Um…no. I thought maybe you’d like to come down. Spar a little…maybe get something to eat?”
“I don’t think so.” Xander backed further into his room. “You go ahead. I’m not really a sparring kind of guy, and I’m not hungry.”
Again, the words were wrong, and had Xander been looking at Angel’s face he would have seen how wrong they were. But Xander’s eyes had moved back down to the book he was reading. Cordelia was right. It was interesting,
“So…” Angel started, moving away from the door. Not so much walking as stalking his oblivious prey.
“Hmmm?” Xander didn’t even look up, which might have been his first mistake.
“Sparing with Gunn, when he’s around is okay, and sparing with the blond menace is perfectly fine, but sparing with me, Is what… unfair…wrong? Is that what you think, Xander? Or is that you know, I’m way more of challenge for you than any of the others.”
Somewhere in the middle of his speech, Angel’s voice had gotten hard, it had lost that friendly qualify he used to get people to trust him. This wasn’t Angel, the hero, ready to go out and help the helpless. No, this was Angel, as he was now, with his soul anchored, and his demon just below the surface. This wasn’t a friend offering another friend a way to stay in shape. No, this was a man, offering up a challenge, and waiting to see if it would be answered.
~~~*~~~
Xander knew that if he stood up and met Angel’s challenge nothing would be the same again. He could no longer obfuscate his way out of situations. He’d have to deal with whatever came next. And the scariest part of about that was that he wouldn’t be alone.
This wasn’t Sunnydale, with its crazy demons, out of control fledglings and creepy evil beings intent on opening the Hellmouth and destroying themselves as well as everyone else while the scobbies tried to go about their normal lives.
This was Los Angeles, and Angel and his group of people had it all under control. And somehow, miracles or miracles, Xander had become one of Angel’s people.
And the truly frightening thing was he *wanted* what Angel was offering. All of what he was offering.
Taking a deep cleansing breath, Xander stood up, leaving his book opened across the bed and turned to face Angel. “Show me what you’ve got?”
~~~*~~~
“Seriously, Xan. You need to cut him some slack.” Cordelia stood in her kitchen pretending to cook; though it was obvious it was Phantom Dennis who did the actual cooking.
“Why?” Xander asked, more out of curiosity than to hear what Cordielia had to say.
After his ‘sparing’ session with Angel he had to get out the hotel before something happened that couldn’t be taken back. Cordelia had brought him over to her haunted apartment and was hoping to soften him up with good food. With Dennis doing the actual cooking the food at least would be good.
“Things are different now. He’s different now.” Cordelia pointed out, logically, she thought.
Xander sighed. This was not something he *ever* wanted to discuss with Cordelia, of all people. Though to be fair, his ex-girlfriend wasn’t the same person who left Sunnydale right after high school.
“Nothing has changed, nothing important anyway.”
“His soul is permanent.” Cordelia said quietly. “You know that.”
Xander froze for a second, trying to decide how much weight the clause had in his original decision. Finally he realized it wasn’t important. He shook his head. “It doesn’t matter.”
“Xander.” Cordelia tried again.
“Stop!” Xander raised his hand to ward off any further words.
Cordelia’s eyes widened as she felt a pressure pushing against her, like the weight of a strong wind, moving her back across the tile in the kitchen. She opened her mouth to say something, but her voice seemed to be gone, like there was some invisible grip keeping her silent. Nor did her legs seem capable of moving. She felt a cool presence behind her, holding her steady, and silently thanked the ghost.
Xander watched, as the force behind this strange new ability was unleashed upon another of his friends.
He was wrong.
Everything had changed.
Xander turned away and fled the apartment, unable to even form an apology.
Cordelia watched hismgo and felt the pressure vanish. Her eyes misted over as she felt the movement return to her limbs, and with it her voice.
“Oh, Xander.” She whispered, worried.
Dennis moved a chair forward for her to sit in and brought a glass of water, silent as always.
~~~*~~~
Xander didn’t stop running until he was outside and away from both Cordelia’s apartment and the hotel. He knew the sun wouldn’t stop Cordelia, if she decided to run after him, but he somehow felt she’d be busy with her overprotective ghost, Besides, he felt safer outside, with the sun, and the LA heat, and the things that didn’t go bump in the night.
He looked around the street. There were people wandering around, mostly going about their daily lives. Though there was the odd homeless person or two. That in itself was something he wasn’t used to seeing. Sunnydale didn’t get much in the way of homeless people. They didn’t even have a shelter that he was aware of. Though Sunnydale’s nightlife made it a tad more than suicidal for anyone to go wandering around, without good reason.
Watching the Los Angeles denizens now brought it home to Xander how much had really changed. Could he even go home again? Could he stay here? Could he afford not to?
He could have killed Cordelia. Xander knew this with a knowledge that came from somewhere deep inside him. He was a danger to everyone and everything that came in contact with him.
He wasn’t sure if it was wiser to separate himself from everyone or to try to get a handle on his new abilities on his own.
The former Sunnydale resident wasn’t sure if he could spend the rest of his life alone. But even more frightening than that was the thought that in order to get control of his new freaky powers, he’d have to stay in LA. He’d have to stay with Angel.
And the truth was, Xander didn’t know how many more days like today he could handle before he did the one thing he’d swore he wouldn't do. Give in.
~~~*~~~
Xander stood outside of the Hyperion Hotel, arguing with himself. He knew he was doing the right thing. He did, but…it was hard to take that first step. Or was this the second step? Either way, it wasn’t as easy as he thought it would be.
Taking a deep breath, he opened the doors and walked in.
Angel was standing in the lobby. Not doing anything, just…standing. Almost as if he was waiting for something.
Xander looked at his watch. “Shouldn’t you be sleeping?” He asked in feigned casualness.
“Cordelia called. She was worried.”
“Is she okay?” Xander asked quickly. He had felt safe leaving her with her phantom roommate, but maybe he should have at least hovered around outside.
“She’s worried about you.” Angel said seriously. “You didn’t hurt her.” He answered the real question.
“Good.” Xander nodded once. “Good.” He looked across the small space between them. “I think I’m ready to…to do whatever you think I…what should I do?”
Angel smiled slightly, a barely there twitch of the lips. “Okay.”
It was only a one-word acknowledgment, but it was enough.
For both of them.
~Part: 6~ A Beginning
When Angel came down unto the kitchen the next afternoon, he found Xander sitting alone at the table, his hands wrapped tightly around what appeared to be a cold cup of Cordelia’s atrocious coffee.
Xander’s fingers were white around the mug, and he was staring at the table as if it contained the answers to all the questions of the universe.
Angel quietly walked to the refrigerator to prepare his dinner, not wanting to disturb Xander, but feeling his hunger demanding attention. Angel tried to concentrate on preparing his meal and not on Xander, but was only partially successful. As far as he could tell, Xander hadn’t moved at all.
Which was why he was startled when Xander spoke. "It’s getting worse."
Angel poured the blood into a mug and turned around slowly. Xander was still sitting in the same position; his eyes still cast down toward the table. "Stronger, or is it your control that’s worse?"
Xander raised his head and looked across at Angel as the vampire sat down. "Both."
"Don’t you think it’s time to call Giles and Willow?" Angel asked quietly, taking a drink of his dinner.
Xander looked away again, but Angel knew it was from his own troubled thoughts rather than any uneasiness about what exactly Angel was consuming. "I know, but…I don’t want to involve them."
"Maybe they’re already involved." Angel pointed out.
"They’ll worry." Xander whispered, knowing that Angel was right.
Before anything else could be said, Cordelia poked her head through the kitchen door. "Xan, telephone for you."
Xander looked up, his brow wrinkled. No one knew he was there except Spike and Willow. "Who is it?"
Cordelia’s eyes darted to Angel and then back again before she spoke. "Wesley."
~~~*~~~
Xander approached the phone cautiously, as if he wasn’t entirely certain it wouldn’t turn into some snake, ready to strike at the least provocation. He couldn’t think of any reason why Wesley would be calling him. Back in Sunnydale, during the fight with the Mayor, and the problems with Faith, no one had been particularly nice to Wesley.
The Scoobies were notoriously hard on newcomers, especially ones whose sole purpose for being in Sunnydale was to replace Giles, a father to them all, and not someone who could be replaced easily or otherwise.
Still, Wesley didn’t exactly help matters with his rules, and superior attitude. But that was a long time ago. Both Angel and Cordelia had told him that Wesley and changed a lot. He knew that the former watcher had worked with them for awhile.
He also knew, from Willow’s phone calls that the two had run into each other several months ago, and had been traveling together ever since.
Which brought Xander to the only conceivable reason why Wesley would be calling him of all people. Something must have happened to Willow.
He picked up the phone from where it was lying on the counter of the hotel lobby. "Hello?"
"Xander?" A vaguely familiar British asked through the line.
"Wesley?" Xander asked. "Is something wrong with Willow?"
Wesley paused briefly. "Has anything...unusual been happening to you recently?"
Xander froze and turned his head to look at Angel. "Unusual how?"
"Headaches...hearing things...dreams?"
"Um...no." Xander hesitated. "But, I have sort of..." He trailed off, not sure if he should say anything.
"Yes?" Wesley prompted.
"I seem to have developed...telekinetic abilities."
"I see."
"Is something wrong with Willow? Where is she?"
Wesley again ignored his question. "I think it might be best if we came back to Los Angeles. May I speak with Angel."
Xander handed the phone over to Angel silently. He watched as the vampire spoke quietly into the line, but wasn’t listening to what was said. His mind kept going over what Wesley had asked him...and about what he hadn’t said.
When Angel hung up the phone, and turned back to Xander he saw the blank _expression on his face.
"They’re on their way."
"Did he say what was wrong?" Cordelia asked.
"No, only that something strange was happening to Willow. They think it might be connected to a spell she did with Xander and Giles a few months ago."
"This is bad." Xander spoke quietly, his legs giving out on him and sliding to the floor.
Angel crouched down so that he was at eye level. "It’s going to be okay."
"Promise?" Xander asked looking into the vampire’s dark eyes.
Angel stared into Xander’s eyes for a second, weighing his response. He didn’t want to promise something he couldn’t deliver on, but he couldn’t not make this okay. "Yes."
Xander nodded once, accepting for once that maybe he could trust in Angel.
Angel stood up. "Let’s go. We have work to do."
Xander followed him, not even bothering to ask what kind of work.
The ended up in the basement of the hotel. A large cavernous room that Gunn and Angel had converted into a workout room.
Xander took off his shoes and socks and sat in the center of the large mat adorning the floor and closed his eyes.
Angel watched him silently, his eyes taking this moment to watch Xander unobserved. It had been a long time since he’d been allowed this luxury. So long that Angel thought he might never see Xander without his baggage again. He remembered the nights they’d spent in the mansion of Crawford street, hours after then group patrols were over.
After Xander had walked Willow home he would come by the mansion. Angel was never sure why those visits started, not after all of the animosity between them, but Xander had held out the first olive branch, and Angel had been so desperate for forgiveness, he had eagerly accepted it.
The sex had started almost immediately, and Angel had welcomed it. Time spent with Xander was fraught with all the baggage he had with Buffy and Giles, or any of the other Scoobies. Even though Xander had been there for Angelus’ worst, Xander didn’t make him feel as though he should apologize, again.
His months as Angelus were never mentioned. Their history was never mentioned. They did talk, but mostly about the current demon activity, or about something that was unimportant. Before Angel knew what had happened, he realized he had fallen in love with Xander.
The problem came when he told Xander how he felt.
At first Xander didn’t say anything. He looked kind of shocked, but them he shrugged and changed the subject. Angel had hoped for more, but wasn’t going to push things. Two days later, Xander showed up in the middle of the afternoon, and woke Angel from a deep sleep.
He only stayed long enough to break things off, then ran out, into the sun where Angel could follow.
Xander was missing in action for three weeks after that. He assumed Buffy and Willow must have known where he was because no one was overly concerned, but no one mentioned anything, and he didn’t want to draw any attention to himself by asking. When Xander reappeared, the subject was closed.
Angel tried to talk to him, but Xander wouldn’t listen. Eventually Angel gave up. Six months later, after the final battle with the Mayor, Angel left Sunnydale. Now here they were, months had gone by, they had both changed, grown.
But, watching Xander trying to find his inner calm, Angel realized the most important thing hadn’t changed.
He was still in love with Xander Harris.
~~~*~~~
Xander tried to center himself, but no matter how much he tried, how much energy he put into it, his senses tried to direct themselves to the vampire he could feel just on the edge of his awareness.
As far as he could tell Angel wasn’t moving. He *knew* he wasn’t breathing. There was no way he should have been able to sense Angel’s presence. Yet, he could almost *feel* the vampire watching him, staring through him until he felt transparent.
Frustrated, Xander sighed and flopped down until he was lying flat against the mat. "I can’t."
"You’re trying to hard." Angel said from his spot several feel away. "Try again."
Xander remained where he was lying, but closed his eyes. He breathed deep, blocking out his awareness of Angel, and concentrated on the air leaving his lungs, on keeping his heart steady.
He didn’t know how much time had passed, how many seconds, or minutes, he only knew that for an instant, he found peace. A moment of stillness, where this thing inside him didn’t frighten him, didn’t scare him with the knowledge that if he lost control someone could die.
When he opened his eyes, Angel was standing over him, a slight smile on his face. "You did it." He said with a hint of quiet pride and he held out a hand to help Xander up.
Xander took the hand and grinned. "Yeah, I did, didn’t I?"
"You did." Angel agreed.
"Now what?" Xander asked, a slight frown dampening his accomplishment, knowing that this was only the beginning.
"Now we go upstairs and see what else you can do."
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